Finding Home and the Meaning of (My) Life

Unfortunately, as I've discovered, the answer is not always 42.  I used to think I had everything figured out.  I had a plan and I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I set goals and accomplished them.  And when I left Kenya a little over a year ago I knew I would stop at nothing to return to the country I felt like was a home away from home.  And I didn't.

However, now I'm listless and floundering and I have all these questions floating around in my head.  Do I stay in Kenya or do I move somewhere else in Africa?  What about another continent?  Or stateside?  I guess there is something to be said for living in the moment but it would be nice to know what it actually is that I do want in the long term.  Maybe it's just the commitment-phobia is rearing its ugly head now that I'm quasi settled somewhere. 

And while I'm contemplating all of these things I'm also thinking that I should just suck it up and get over myself.  Who do I think I am to complain when I have this great life?  I have a job that is everything I wanted, while 40% of Kenya is unemployed as well as a large percentage of Americans. 

I like my job; I work with refugees, travel, and am based in Nairobi, giving the illusion that I'm settled even though I'm away about 75% of the time.  I get to use my background in human rights and finally put my diminished French skills to use.  I have a great life, great friends, and no room for complaints (unless it involves Nairobi taxi drivers.  They are the bane of my existence.  I need a car.).

It's just that during these last few months I seem to have lost my center.  I'm not really sure what my long term goals are anymore.  I'm not sure if I should chalk this up to having a rough year and make it a resolution to figure things out in 2012 or what.  Hopefully the new year will bring some clarity and shed some light on new goals for me to aspire towards.


1 comment: